Anybody who has been friends with me in the past three to four years has come to be used to an annoying thing about me: I cancel plans. I pretty much know when I get invited to something there is a 50/50 chance I will actually go. Is this rude of me? Do my friends and family have good reason to be extremely over this? Absolutely! I know I have lost relationships over this. People don’t want to invite bailers. People don’t want to hear excuses. Bottom line is that people are gonna do what they wanna do and if I WANTED to be with them I would push through…right?
So here is where I say an open apology while also making kind of a confession. I know it isn’t good for me to isolate myself and sleep. My best friends have come to be used to Friday night and through the weekend chances are good that I’m asleep. I sleep A LOT. The thing is that I also kinda love to sleep. It’s like when a scaly woman goes for a facial. It’s like going to the chiropractor: it is a necessary thing but after you go you just feel so amazing. But this is not something you can tell a person at the point of cancelling. Ultimately you are tired but you are also being selfish.
I watched a comedy show from Jen Kirman: I’m Gonna Die Alone (And I Feel Fine) and she says a line that is just perfect. She is talking to a 4-year old who doesn’t want to go to bed:
I would love to go to bed at 7:30. Can I tell you that? I have been in bed at 7:30 and sometimes your mom calls me and says, ‘You’re divorced and bitter, don’t stay in bed,’ and I go ‘No I’m not, I just like being in bed’. But when you’re my age and you’re in bed at 7:30 people call it cute words like depressed and over it and despondent or a call for help. So why don’t you enjoy yourself right now…and go back to bed.
I am a different person in the morning. When I get good sleep I could conquer the world in the morning. Everybody else is grouchy and wants to sleep in. Why don’t they get on my schedule and wake up early to do stuff? I don’t judge them. Honestly if I could trade going to bed early and getting up early, with staying out late and sleeping in I wish it was sleeping in and staying out. Alas, that is not the case.
And when I say I am tired I may need to clarify. Tired isn’t really a big enough word. Here are some of the ways it feels:
Bone-tired (literally in your bones), out-of-body, profound, mind-numbing, a mental weight belt, a bungee tether, oppressive, weakening, sapping, wearying, encroaching, all-enveloping, catatonic, paralytic, thick, muddy, foggy, suffocating, dulling…
When I say you wouldn’t want me to be around you really really should believe me. The person I am when I am feeling like this is miserable. I suck the fun out of a room. And even if this is in my “head” I’m constantly worrying that I’m being a party pooper. I don’t have a good time. All I can think about is how long til I can leave and fall asleep. I know this about myself. I am learning to manage it. Unfortunately I gotta work. I have other things in a week that I have to do. That stuff is a necessity to life. I’m sorry but going out to have pizza or a movie is gonna put me over the edge and I’ll battle calling out sick from work the next day.
Bottom line is that I know you don’t get it. I’m sorry that I’m different. I’m sorry that I’m not present. I appreciate that you try to be understanding when I cancel (the first 100 times). Really though, you and I both know at this point it’s a forgone conclusion that I’m not gonna show. I’m so done feeling guilty about it I can’t even say. As I’ve watched relationships drop around me I only partially mourn them. It’s not at all that I feel they couldn’t hack it as friends. It just is how it is.
I’m gonna do what I want to do right? Most of the time that means I’m gonna sleep. I’m sorry if I hurt you but I’m taking care of me…if that means I’m selfish, then I’m selfish.